About a man, his daughter, and a nonexistent son.

Sometimes I think Dad misses a son in his life. Of course, my parents don't believe in all that super crap about the son being the pride of the family and the parents' "ladder to heaven" like so many people in this majorly sick and prejudiced society of ours do. Me and lil sis are the very cornerstones of their life....they would do anything to see us happy.

Yet, sometimes I think Dad would have liked a son. He never ever hints/mentions anything of that sort, in fact, I don't even think this idea ever crossed his mind in its full realization. But perhaps it's always present in his sub-conscious.

When I was that little girl with short tomboy-ish hair, Dad used to rub them dry for me everytime I washed them. After a point, my hair grew too long for him to manage. That was the end of it. He once hinted at a set of toy cars when the same little girl wanted a new plaything. I made a face and chose a Barbie instead. And that was the end of it. When I was still that little girl, he used to buy denims from the garment store for me. After a point, I began to choose floral prints. That was the end of it too.

You see how it is...

• He won't ever get to hear another masculine voice at home that he can associate with a person in our family.

• Our family holiday album from last year doesn't contain a pic of him playing golf with his son at the Shillong Golf Course.

• We won't ever have an argument in the house about which latest bike to buy.

• I can't go on trekking trips with him all round the month anytime.

• He and mom can never imagine being cared for after retirement by a sweet daughter-in-law, like their siblings can.

• He still has to park both the cars inside the driveway himself every night. [*sigh*.....yeah, I'm still learning the safe parking part...the driveway-cum-parking area is pretty narrow :/]

• He still has to depend only on himself for calling / hassling / bargaining with usually grouchy car mechanics. [Yeah, I can manage the storekeeper / plumber / electrician / appliance servicing personnel...but mechanics are way too much! Plus I know like practically nothing about the anatomy of an automobile...let alone do even some minor fixing myself. Told you I'm learning. Don't label me the insensitive daughter.]

• He himself has to do all the putting-of-strings-of-lightbulbs-on-roof-and-walls at Diwali.

• He has only his voice to drawl along to sad oldie songs on the radio.

• Dad always has to rely on the judgement of the women in his life [mom and me, sis is way too small. :) ] besides his own judgement, in deciding everything from which t-shirts to buy to where to invest.

He is by far the strongest and yet the most sensitive guy I've ever known. Yet, I think he could have done with a little more help in all the everyday stuff. I do help him, but beyond a limit, he wouldn't let me, or would be extra-thankful, thus propelling me back into I'm-Daddy's-little-girl mode. And can you ever help anybody when the other person wouldn't take it, just for the sake of not troubling you, although he needs that help? Yeah, that's my Pops.

Like when I went to pay the phone and electricity bills for the first time, he gave me an extra 100 bucks for the mere fact of having successfully done so! And only yesterday when his car broke down and he called me to pick him up in mine, he said, "Thank God you can drive now..." And I was like "Sheesh, Dad, Don't make it so big...." . These are the times I think he thinks I'm going out of my way to help him, which is not the case. Yet, another day, when I hadn't cleaned up my car for long, he was like "If you drive, maintain the thing as well. See, Mr Y's son does that every weekend..." and I mentally said to him "How can I help it if you don't have a son?"
Now I guess that was wrong of me. I took his words in the wrong sense, he never meant to compare me to a son by his words, was only citing an example.

At 52, perhaps a 16-year-old daughter cannot help Dad as much as a guy could have. I might try to fill the gaps for Dad, but still, none of all the stuff that is the business of fathers and their sons will ever transpire between him and a younger guy. I see him looking fondly, almost-wistfully at my guy-friends, and I feel he misses a son in his life.

Don't worry, Dad. I'll make you proud one of these days. Just wait. And meanwhile, while you wait, just give me this month's bills to pay. And oh, the car mechanic's workshop number too.
I'll learn about automobile anatomy and money-matters eventually in time. But right now, I think we can go shopping for shirts at least.
:)

Just a few words

"Be careful when you give your heart to someone, because when you are giving your heart, you are not only giving that person the right to love you, but also the power to hurt you."

Quote courtesy BestFriend. Hmm…the guy speaks utter truth these days...

Meet IVAN

So, I think I should finally introduce you to someone very interesting, intelligent, and at the same time extremely exasperationg.

Meet my IVAN– Inner Voice that Annoys and Nags.
Rather a loose description, but then, Ivan IS loose. Always present at the back of my mind, this being has a tendency to pop up at the most unexpected moments, and is powerful enough to ruin my mood completely.

For example, a few days back I was kinda feeling glad about having assigned the color blue to love, in the series of haiku poems I’ve been writing in which I gave a color to each emotion. I started to think about a drink to associate love and the color blue with, like hope-yellow-lemonade-sweet, and happiness-pink-zinfandel-intoxicating. And suddenly Ivan shrieked happily : “Copper sulphate solution!”
So, right now, he’s doing an excited tribal dance, celebrating the beautiful (*rolls eyes*) way in which he has bonded together me, love, and—you guessed it—CuSO4.

Now you see why I hate this Ivan sometimes?

Well...

Have you ever noticed how sometimes some things just happen, or not happen. The same goes for me and blogging. All day long words, phrases, topics keep floating in my head, about people, situations, anything that can make a good something to write about...but then it just doesn't happen.

Guess I'm having a writer's block right now. It's good, in a way, Now all those huge, thick, hit-on-your-head-see-stars chem and physics books don't gather layers of dust like they used to. Having nothing better to do, I apply my precious creative imaginative mind inside my pretty head to actually think about how infinitely large charged metal plates with a dielectric between them behave and how are the properties of diamminechloridomethylamine platinum chloride different from those of tetraamminechloridonitrito-N cobalt chloride. (Yeah, don't you just love scientific jargon? :D )


Four long hours, actually six from tomorrow, of coaching classes in our supposed-to-be-summer-holidays doesn't really make a good background for being able to write happy-happy, non-crabby blog posts.

Friend since the silly days of eighth, Ank, says one day : "Gawd...life has become so complicated ever since we passed class tenth.. I really wish I could enjoy my present..." (Yeah, she's the type who would much prefer that to all boring phy, chem and math.)

But then, looks like we only have two choices: chill marofy now and suffer later in some tedious boring underpaying job, or slog, slog, slog through the present and shape out a good life for ourselves.

I much prefer the latter.

You just can't put a title to certain things.

My unintentional hiatus from blogging has gone pretty long. But well, life these previous days was all about trying to make peace with boring routines, study, and the general absence of me-time.

I always feel there should be a place you can express yourself in without having to think how it would be interpreted in the light of non-context events...and I'm relieved none of all the people who know me personally , as in like everyday life, have the address to this blog. Except Best Friend, of course, and I don't generally put him in the same category as the other "all the people" . :)

Sometimes things strike you in full, complete realness just when you least expect them to. Drove past Best Friend's dad's office the other day and remembered him telling me they might have to move to another place. And suddenly I felt how really khaali-khaali it would be if that happened.
:(

Certain people are so much a part of your days, your life-- that you begin to wonder how you EVER lived without them, isn't it?
:)

Raindrops

Wrappped in silver haze
One leaf flutters, raindrop-kissed
Echo silent strains

Rara avis

Took this quiz and got this result :

Your Personality is the Rarest (INFJ)

Your personality type is introspective, principled, self critical, and sensitive.Only about 2% of all people have your personality - including 3% of all women and around 1% of all men. You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

I SO knew it !! :D

Will You?

Give me a song that I would love to sing
Whisper to my soul some li'l sweet nothings...
I know you don't wanna return from halfway
And neither do I.
So will you shelter me from the storm,
Or at least just try?

I offer you
The sparkling wine of me.
But honey,
Will you pour me my dreams
In a glass of reality...?

~Sherry.

Nearness

"It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It's just the nearness of you

When you're in my arms and
I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true

I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel
The nearness of you..."

~Norah Jones.

Wanderlust

At times, I want to talk about the unchronicled-by-me events of my perfectly-chronicled-by-God life, but then something else crops up and I forget all about doing that.

You know how it is. Imagine a child's reaction when you dangle a candy right in front of her, but just out of her reach. She tries catching it jumping up, standing on toes, praying, pleading, whatever. But the candy is pulled away each time.

The thing is that my school is organizing an excursion to the North-East. Now I have an incredible obsession about that place. Since the time I returned from there after a 20-day holiday last year, I've been yearning to go back. The place, it's picturesque-ness, it's beauty…uh...just CALLS out to me. So obviously I gazed in rapturous attention at the notice that proclaimed the announcement of the tour, while those little 1st-graders around me must have been thinking "Hey, that girl just went crazy. Sheesh, she's staring dreamily at the notice-board!!"

Anyways, this tour thing is the fabulous part.

The not-so-fabulous…correction: absolutely disappointing part is that two of my friends, actually, best friends aren't likely to be going. There is a non-missable function in BestFriend's family. So he isn't gonna go. And there is coaching classes and stuff for Ank. (She was really slaughtered in chem this year, and her mom isn't taking any chances for the next.)

Sigh. And without them, I ain't going too.

Let's hope this thing gets worked out and the tour gets postponed to sometime later. That would be so, so good. All the time I was in NE, I terribly missed my friends. And now the opportunity came along for some quality-time, and there it is, look, going away right before me. Blah. Life can be really pathetic.

Just for the heck of it, I made a list of all that I had missed out on that time, and which I might be able to do now.

· Coffee and muffins with friends at Glenary's, Darjeeling. I wish I had a pic to show you how cozy that bakery looks. Mmmm….

· Walking in the rain to that old bakery, Darjeeling. Just when we set out, it began to drizzle, and like the super-caring mom that my mom is, she dutifully directed dad and me inside the hotel. Sigh. That place made great cakes. Imagine this: a slight drizzle, a partly cobblestoned street, and the aroma of fresh-baked bread. Oh, and darkening sky.

· Buying new lacy umbrellas. Sorry, friends, this has got nothing to do with you. The one I had bought broke sometime ago. :P :D

· Re-visiting the Tibetan Refugee Center. There is a story behind this. I'll tell you sometime later.

· And this time I want to see the sunlight-bathed golden mountainscape from Tiger Hill, Darjeeling, which is a breathtaking sunrise point. Or so we have heard. The fog blotted out everything last time I went.

· Seeing the beautiful Teesta River again. River-rafting, maybe!

· Spending time to my heart's content in Oxford bookstore. Yes, I'll show you a pic from the outside. It is a very sunshine place in Darjeeling, filled with rows and rows of books-laden shelves. Love it. Pity that I discovered it only on the morning of the day we were supposed to leave Darjeeling.

· Somebody perhaps buying me trinkets at Malik's, a wonderfully quaint jewelry and antiques store night next to the bookshop. [This idea originated only because Malik's is pretty costly. BestFriend, if you disagree, feel free to talk to me. ;) ]

· And the most coveted of all, an evening walk on MG Marg, Gangtok. This road is pretty picturesque at the time is the evening when it's closed to vehicles of any kind; little streams of fog and mist swirl around and warm steam rises from the little bakeries/cafes along the road. And the streetlights shine warmly yellow. Oooooh. I'm in love with the ambience of that place.

A pity the school isn't including Shillong too in the itinerary. But then, one mustn't ask for more chocolate when they are already being offered candy by The Supreme Being Up There. Oh yes, I meant You, God. And I don't think you could be that unfeeling so as to blatantly refuse a candy to a kid, even to a terrible kid. Do let this thing go as I wish, and like the kid, I "promise to be good."

:D

And now the pics:

Our cozy hotel room at Darjeeling.

Darjeeling: A view from the hotel window

Darjeeling: The foggy misty road leading away from town

Japanese Shrine, Darjeeling. The lush greenery is amazing, right?

Tea Gardens

The entrance to the bookstore I was talking about. Malik's is towards the left of the pic.

The Teesta as seen from the Darjeeling-Gangtok route

How could I miss taking a pic of this side of the road… And oh, that pretty hand towards the left is mine.

Butterfly Pond, Botanical Gardens, Gangtok

Rumtek Monastery, Sikkim

Prayer flags

The Tashi View Point, near Gangtok. The time we visited, there was a small live concert. It was charming, kinda: listening to guitars in the wintry air, with a cup of coffee…

Gangtok: from the hotel lounge

MG Marg. Trust me, this street is more magical than it looks in this pic.

Moonlight Musings

So, after a long, long time, there was a power fault somewhere in the city and our colony was plunged into delicious darkness.

In the days before the pretty low-cost power backup systems, when I was a little kid; small-towners us, I mean the whole neighborhood, used to gather onto lawns/rooftops in the event of a night powercut--- kids telling each-other spooky stories, dads together blaming the electricity department for irregular maintainence and picking the faults of the administration in general, and moms all together preparing dinner by candlelight and discussing the latest trends in jewellery to "101 Ways Of Tackling Unruly Children" and everything in between.

It was all interesting, in a way. And doesn't happen anymore.

But me, I preferred solitude today; and armed with a scarf, went outside on the patio, shut the door of the room to prevent any streaks of light from inside falling on the patio and thus spoiling the effect; and sat down to enjoy the scene.

There was a light mist all around, a nearly-half-moon floating in an ink-blue sky among silvery-gray clouds; and the leaves of the kachnaar tree against it. It was good--- the fuzzy, blurred shadows and silhouettes because of the mist, the absolute stillness of the night, the pale moonlight--- it was wonderful.

What disappointed me was the limited presence of this ambience around me. Lapsing into an almost-dream, I wished I could have a huge estate in the suburbs of some beautiful place. A stone mansion with long French windows overlooking wide gardens; a cobbled pathway; a panoramic view of the countryside; some old windmill in the distance; bright white fences; flowers; huge oak and maple trees...
Then a succession of images floated across. Rain, thunderstorm, lightning, candlelight reflected on polished wood, a friend, remembrances...

I woke up and smiled at the obsessive charm of such an unreal, idyllic life, something which happens only in novels. No way this was gonna happen to me. Ever. Reality is so completely different. In reality, I'm just this ordinary girl, hoping, studying and struggling to shape a life for herself.
In reality, I would most probably get to have nothing more than a moderately-sized house on a noisy city street.

:/

The mist had drifted away. The moonlight turned from pure clean pale blue to a dull sickly yellow; and the shadows and silhouettes of the tree leaves were starkly outlined, the jagged edges clearly visible.
No softened, blurred edges; no dreaminess.

Slightly disappointed, I came back inside.

Beyond Fences

That flower hanging beyond the fence
So lovely, so perfect
Just what I need
To enhance my dress
For today's prom.
But I can't reach it
Somehow it's too far away
Over the garden fence
For my hand to get it
And there's dad waiting in the car
For me to come
There's not enough time
So I've got to go without
The flower I so badly want.

It often happens so in life
There are so many things
You want to get
You think you deserve them
Think you really need them
Things you strive for
Would even die for...
But the time to go always comes
You aren't ever able to have
What you thought would
Enhance your life
You are never able to reach out
And grasp what is tempting you
Because there is no time left
And because these things are
Beyond fences.

Pink and Green